Currently we're going through the motions of getting things aligned with where we want to physically be. This is proving to be a lesson in patience for us both, but especially for myself. It's easy to say I'll just get all of my affairs in order to make a major life decision, but when it comes down to it, the little details add up in a hurry. Primarily we want to get our financial-house in order, removing any obstacles that may stand in our way BEFORE we make the move. This is our number one priority and will involve us separating the business more from our personal accounting. To this note we are also looking to grow the business more, by investing in mutually beneficial relationships and concepts that will help both ourselves and others at the same time. We have recently brought on two content writers here at Hawaii-Guide and this will begin to provide a great deal of additional content here on the site. So we're excited about working with these two fine writers, and we'll definitely introduce them to everyone in the coming weeks.
So we’re really just getting things in order and in alignment with what we want, and that’s taking time, determination, and patience. How long this will take is hard to say – there are irons in the proverbial fire that may expedite the process, but there may also be obstacles we haven’t yet foreseen – like the insurance costs proved to be last year; it was a major hurdle we couldn’t clear at the time.
Speaking honestly and openly, this is a very difficult time for me, as my heart and soul deeply yearns to be in the place I so deeply love, respect, and care about. Lately, especially this last week, the place has called to me on a profound and fundamental level; in a way I cannot explain in writing, but feel and sense deep within my body, spirit and mind. It is a lesson in patience for me, which is not my greatest virtue. Sometimes I feel like picking up as much as I can and just going, on the fly – but my conservative upbringing quickly snaps me back to this reality I live in; ultimately that wouldn’t be a very responsible move and there would be surefire consequences I wouldn’t want to encounter. Still, I wonder when everything will finally happen – when I’ll finally get to make the journey home.
There’s a large part of me that wants to say it’s not fair how things are, how difficult this is. But then I realize most of the difficulty is my own mentality, self-created circumstances, and doing. It’s as if I knew what I wanted, but instead entrenched myself in what felt like a safer world, even though it was a world I was eager to leave behind. I have never felt like I was running away from the world I live in now, I’ve always felt like I was just moving on – to a better place for me and my wife together.
There are so many people who don’t understand this about me, or about my wife. And I think I let that bother me on a fundamental level, which I know I shouldn’t, but often I find that I do. I want, I almost need, people to grasp how important this is to me, perhaps in the hope they’ll egg me on. Courage is not always my best attribute on this subject, and though I may be bold, and even take risks in certain sectors of my life, on this matter I have played things extremely safe, very conservative, and even close to the vest. But within me burns a fire of yearning that hardly anyone can understand. My journey into the heart of Kauai three months ago today was one of the most spiritual and surreal experiences of my life. It touched me and impacted me in a way that is profound and moving in a way I can hardly describe. And thus a thought has gone through my head in recent days that may surprise some people, it almost surprises me – but then again, I’ve come to expect the unexpected when this subject is on the table. I say all of this to introduce another chapter of a very personal subject to me, one that climaxes with the thought I referred to above; the bedrock of my life in many ways.
I have never particularly been a very religious man, as my intellectually driven mind too often has picked apart the topics and lessons I’ve tried to study and understand. There is always a “why” or explanation I cannot grasp. I have never been a big believer in absolutes; instead I always followed the path of relativism. Plus, dogmatic principles and rigid beliefs always turned me off to select faiths and sects. I have studied, in great detail, almost all of the world’s major religions, including Christianity, Buddhism, Taoism, and Judaism. Despite what some might call my “lack of faith” – I genuinely believe I am a morally good and virtuous person, and that I live my life in a way I believe would dignify respect from most of my peers who are, in fact, religious themselves. I was raised Lutheran, and come from a deeply religious family, as does my wife. I think it was perhaps the Catechism that first shed light on my “faith problem.” As I grew older, I wanted to rebel against what I had been raise to be, as most teenagers do, but as an adult I began to long for the meaning to my and all life, an explanation as it were to our being here and our purpose. This is what took me down the path of studying the world’s cultures and religions and in the end I stepped off a plane into a world that was both foreign and yet very familiar to me – Hawaii nei. It was 2002, and I at a fresh 21 years of age was very impressionable, and the place left a mark on me indeed. Hawaii became the foundation of my life from that moment on, and for over a third of my life has been center stage and a profound and meaningful part of who I am and what I believe in. It is much more than a place, it’s a way and means of life, and if offers an explanation at a deep level as to what this life is about and why we are here. We must stop and listen, but the answers are there – deep within the forest, atop the mighty mountains that exist there, on the shoreline of the mighty Pacific Ocean, and in some of the most peculiar places where a moment suddenly consumes you in awareness you didn’t even known you had. Often if can be weeks or months before you realize what you experienced, and even then it can be hard to describe it. To me, this is God himself, and his way of touching and reaching out to me as a part of his creation. I cannot define God, nor will I try here. The scope of such a definition many have tried, and many have failed. I am not bold enough to attempt such a feat. But instead I have slapped the label on myself that I am a Pantheist – or a believer that God and what many would call “nature” are one and the same. I believe I am a small part of a mighty creation that in and of itself is magnificent and wonderful, the very consciousness of God himself. This is the domain of free will, choice, and responsibility. We are all co-creators here, entangled in a world where causality seems to define us and our world, yet the opportunity of choice itself is always provided to us at each and every turn. We are here perhaps because we choose to be; we live how we expect to, and we experience what we believe in. We create our own reality in this “space” and “time.”
So I say all of the above to conclude on my point. My faith is in, my “religion” – is with, simply, no more or less, the place I love. Hawaii was presented to me by our creator to show me my place in this world; my path, my focus, my ideology, and my definition as a human being. And so perhaps now you understand my longing to return to the place I not only love, but define myself by. I live my life to be pure like the waters of the falls feed by the springs of Wai’ale’ale. In the place where new land spews from the earth, I too find that within me a new ‘me’ is awaiting my physical relocation. What will be born there is unknown, but I feel it churching within, all positive vibration and with a clarity I can only describe as bliss itself.
Many turn to their religion in times of hardship, and so have I. I just never realized that was I was clinging to when life had me down was the very thing I believed in the most – God himself. My chapel is the forest, deep green and sacred with life. My sanctuary is the ocean, that gorgeous emerald green. My pulpit is this place, the site I created in the moments shortly after my life awakening experience in 2002. I am not a perfect man, nor will I ever be – but I live my life by the code of what I was given those many years ago. And for me, that is greater than all the lessons I could have read in countless books. I am a humble man, and I continue my journey forward, to the islands in the middle of the Pacific, where I will finally find true inner peace and ultimately make my home.
As John Denver once said, “Country road… take me home.”
We’re on our way… each and every day. Mahalo for reading my story, and for joining me in spirit on this part of our journey.